Who am I? What could I be? What do I want to be?

Just when I think I have a clearer picture of the person staring back at me in the mirror, circumstances have arisen that make me question if I am really 'there' yet.

Where exactly 'there' is I don't know. I don't even know if other people reach 'there' and at what age? Or are they less concerned if they are 'there' or not.

The 'there' of which I am rambling about is the understanding of self....

The problem as I see it...that if I don't reach this destination soon, I will forever be indecisive, forever unable to stick to my goals and opinions, because they are continuely fluid, so able to be moulded by anyone that may happen to pass my way, with a myriad of underlying motives unknown to me, and how can I know if they factor in what is best for my interests at all? Let's face it...we all are selfish individuals in some way or another, all have needs to be met.

Also another related line of thought.....how much am I able to change if I did want to?

Am I happy with my own package of strengths and weaknesses or have I just learnt to be somewhat comfortable with them since learning about all these neurological disorders.....I know I used to try a lot more to be like everyone else, and push past all difficulties in order to get out there and live. I wonder if I had of known as a child that my brain was wired differently and which meant that I would always find certain taks harder to achieve then the majority....would I have just not put myself through the struggle at all? And now....am I putting everything that is hard for me...and blaming it on just the way I am...in such a defiant way that if anyone dare suggest I try and change, accuse them of dissing my whole entire identity?

How much of my difficulties are actualy due to environmental factors of circumstances in my childhood, or my teen years riddled with abuse and traumatic experiences?

And how much can be attributed to my decline in central nervous system health since developing transverse myletis!?

Or what about the insult of years of a whole pharmacy load of drugs being pumped through my body as if I was a common lab rat. Or my own experiments in self-medicating?

So what is my potential? What can I over come with time, motivation and effort? And what do I need to just accept and expect others to accept as well?

And yes of course the final question is what do I want? If I am to put all this effort into changing...is the motivation coming from within? From what I want to become and be able to do? Or am I just trying to keep people happy at the cost of betrayal to my true self?

Thinking thinking thinking.....

I know one thing though....no way am I ever going to be able to stop analysing, picking apart every bit of imformation I come across with no process of prioritisation. I can somewhat hold back with force the consequences of having an over-active mind, but in someway or another this trait of mine is always going to find a way to overtake and embarrase me.

Have also been thinking about researching into thought processing speed...as tests show that this is one of my strengths...however what could this attribute contribute to my behaviour? Or maybe it is this factor combined with the executive functioning deficiets that may mean that ALthough I absorbe a lot from my environment, I have little ability at organising that information in order for it to be much use!? Does that make sence? Again I am only 'draft ranbling'....quite hard to express all the information and ideas that do come to my attention at once. Like trying to catch clouds....

ANd that is another thing that brings me down...that I am all too aware of. Knowing that I know a lot more then what I can express....it just comes out all jumbled and wrong. I then come across as a scatter brain.

Also with all this imformation streaming through my brain....how can I slow down and just talk about the mundane. Oh wonder what people would say if I just completely spoke out loud every word and descibed every image going on inside my head as they tryed to talk to me about some general topic. Hehe Wonder if in the future there would be some kind of device that would show your thoughts on a project screan above your head. I think others would go mental just at the sight of it!

Another random thought just before I go to bed.....be great if there was some kind of way in which I could turn on and off in a second my stim med brain and this me (more creative, impulsive, talkative)....adjust the ol' neurotransmiters to suit the situation....

Okay think that's enough for manic Monday....if read this far....hope I haven't scared you off. I am quite sane. Just letting my mind free to express....it gets constrained far too often these days.